We the willing, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible... for the ungrateful. We have done so much with so little for so long, we are now qualified to do anything with nothing. Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd be irresponsible too. All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hands. Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects. I have plenty of talent and ability. I just don't give a damn. Early Bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. OK, so what's the speed of dark? Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. --Catherine Zandonella Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying a pleasure. --Ambrose Bierce Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol. A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere I poured spot remover on my dog, now he's gone. What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? --W.C. Fields Work is the curse of the drinking classes. --Oscar Wilde Conservative (n): Liberal who has been mugged. Dolphins: Don't trust a species that's always smiling, its up to something! BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore. Earth Is The Insane Asylum For The Universe When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. --Henny Youngman Every morning is the dawn of a new error... Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bear arms. I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy. --Tom Waits If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. --Deep Thought, Jack Handy It's better to have beer in hand than gas in tank. Life is too short to drink cheap beer. When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer. -- Dave Barry Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. -- Dave Barry Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. --Dave Barry Families are like fudge...mostly sweet with a few nuts. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely. If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts. OUCH!... Got my floppy caught in my PKZipper. The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. --Humphrey Bogart How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. Support bacteria - it's the only culture some people have. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. When everthing is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. Remember, the brain is only temporary, so don't think too hard with it. Blow your mind - smoke gunpowder. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays of now. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket? Bother, said Pooh as the brakes went out! "The Internet, of course, is more than a place to find pictures of people having sex with dogs." --Phillip Elmer-DeWitt, Time Magazine Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. I used to have a handle on life, then it broke. All generalizations are false. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. I intend to live forever - so far, so good Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. If I worked as much as much as others, I would do as little as they. 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence? Nuke the Whales - US Fission Wildlife Service Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire. My first sexual experience took place in my girlfriend's living room. Then she came downstairs and ruined it. There is a thin line between insanity and all other forms of life. I am slowly removing this line because I feel that everyone would be better off crazy. I don't mind being in touch with reality, as long as I don't have to live there When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded. Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo! If practice makes perfect, and nobody is perfect, why practice? There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard drive? ISDN - It Still Does Nothing I love your eyes, but only with ketchup. APPLE - Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity We've hit rock bottom, and now we're starting to dig! SCSI - System Can't See It MACINTOSH - Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. --Frank Zappa Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. --Ernest Hemmingway Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. --Winston Churchill He was a wise man who invented beer. --Plato Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. --Benjamin Franklin Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. --Kaiser Welhelm Neurotics build castles in the air. Psychotics live in them, and Psychiatrists charge them rent. I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer. --Homer Simpson 100000 Lemmings can't be wrong I drink to make other people interesting. --George Jean Nathan They who drink beer will think beer. --Washington Irving You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. --Dean Martin All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer. --Homer Simpson And God said: Let there be vodka! And He saw that it was good. Then God said: Let there be light! And then He said: Whoa - too much light. Beer - So much more than just a breakfast drink. Everyone needs to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it. Whiskey was invented so the Irish wouldn't rule the world. A bad random number generator: 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 4.33e+67, 1, 1, 1... A computer is like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy. - Joseph Campbell A computer scientist is someone who, when told to 'Go to Hell', sees the 'go to', rather than the destination, as harmful. A program is a device used to convert data into error messages. Behind every good computer -- is a jumble of wires 'n stuff. Beta testers who lie! Next time on Geraldo! Beta. Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released. Beta is Latin for 'still doesn't work.' C Programmers do it recursively. C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg. - Bjarne 'Stumpy' Stroustrup Carpe Aptenodytes! (Seize the Penguins!) Computer Science: solving today's problems tomorrow. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes. Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing. - Dick Brandon Drag me, drop me, treat me like an object! Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) Hey! It compiles! Ship it! ICMP: The protocol that goes PING! My software never has bugs. It just develops random features. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit... Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning. - Rich Cook Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand. Standards are industry's way of codifying obsolescence. The three most dangerous things are a programmer with a soldering iron, a manager who codes, and a user who gets ideas. There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one works. Black holes were created when God divided by 0. Entropy - it's a tough job, but somebody's got to undo it. Entropy isn't what it used to be. In The Beginning there was nothing, which exploded. The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them. Don't worry, I'm fluent in weirdo. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed; If a program is useless, it will have to be documented As you slide down the banister of life, may there be no splinters pointing the wrong way. Chaining - A method of attaching programmers to desk, to speed up output. 1. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. Why doesn't DOS ever say 'EXCELLENT command or filename!' SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . . Fixed Word Length: Four letter word use by programmers in a state of confusion. Ultimate office automation: networked coffee. Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much it did for them. All computers wait at the same speed Programming is like sex: One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life. Smith & Wesson - The original point and click interface. The nice thing about standards is that there are so many to choose from. I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. - Dave Edison Default Directory. Black hole. Default directory is where all files that you need disappear to. And, by default, its your fault. Error message. Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place blame on users for the program's shortcomings. Hardware. Collective term for any computer-related object that can be kicked or battered. If you can kick it, its hardware. Bit: The increment by which programmers slowly go mad. Software, Something you can't describe, see or kick. What the world needs is more geniuses with humility and there are so few of us left. If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors? ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI. Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it. If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone. Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it little friend. When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, hmmm, boy. Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny. I'm not afraid of insects taking over the world, and you know why? It would take about a million ants just to aim a gun at me, let alone fire it. And you know what I'm doing while they're aiming it at me? I just sort of slip off to the side, and then suddenly run up and kick the gun out of their hands. Don't abuse marijuana... smoke it gently and carefully. ..All I want for Christmas is a box of Smurfs and a mallet.. Life is tough, it's tougher when you're stupid I love cats...they taste just like chicken. Montana --- at least our cows are sane. It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you. When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS. Time is the best teacher; unfortunately, it kills all its students Give me ambiguity or give me something else. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. Why do psychics have to ask you your name? If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. What do you call a male ladybug? Time is what keeps everything from happening at once. I get enough exercise just pushing my luck. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. Experience is something you you don't get until just after you need it. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. No one is listening until you make a mistake. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach. To steal ideas from one is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. Two wrongs are only the beginning. Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. The problem with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up. Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism. Change is inevitable ... except from vending machines. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets and then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again. ~ The Wizard Of Oz Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back. Half the people you know are below average. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. TEAMWORK means never having to take all the blame yourself. If at first you don't succeed, try management. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY. A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand. An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded. What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man? A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain) An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday did not happen today. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant. A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense. A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000-word document and calls it a "brief." A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. When someone says, "Have a nice day!", tell them you have other plans. A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time. Computer Acronyms demystified: PCMCIA - People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms Computer Acronyms demystified: PENTIUM - Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics Computer Acronyms demystified: WWW - World Wide Wait Computer Acronyms demystified: COBOL - Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language Computer Acronyms demystified: CD-ROM - Consumer Device - Rendered Obsolete in Months COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key Intel Inside: The world's most commonly-used warning label. Impotence: Nature's way of saying: "No hard feelings" A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. Computer Acronyms demystified: OS/2 - Obsolete Soon, Too. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. Computer Acronyms demystified: MIPS - Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car. Computer Acronyms demystified: DOS - Defective Operating System Computer Acronyms demystified: IBM - I Blame Microsoft Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway Support Cannibalism - EAT ME! 5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park. If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy. When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep; Not screaming, like the passengers in his car. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation. If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either! Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G? Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change. EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later. Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot. There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. If you drink, don't park....Accidents cause people. Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes. Jack Kevorkian for White House physician. IRC is just multiplayer notepad Sure, you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian! Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive. Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them! Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity. Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!" There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives. Where there's a will, I want to be in it. Programming is an art form that fights back. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. Never forget: 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2. When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it to? To define recursion, we must first define recursion. I ran over a chicken with a lawn mower once...... by accident. Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? The squeaky wheel doesn't always get the grease. Sometimes it gets replaced. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience. I used to walk the streets of Venice but I drowned. Santa Claus is jolly because he knows where all the bad girls are. For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord. A good book: Pop Goes the Weasel and Other Microwave Games Spork ~ the other plastic utensil. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. Home is where the house is. Bloom where you are planted. If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing. The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' (I found it!) but rather, 'hmm.... that's funny...' ~ Isaac Asimov Before you criticise a man, walk a mile in his shoes. Then when you criticize him, you will be a mile away and you will have his shoes. When I was young, I used to pray for a bike. Then I realised that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message. "Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us." ~ B. Watterson What I say goes! (In one ear and out the other.) Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse? Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. "Ah, yes, divorce -- from the Latin word meaning 'To rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.'" ~ Robin Williams "The Post Office says it's raising the price of stamps by one cent because they need to upgrade their equipment. Apparently, they're going from semi-automatics to Uzis." ~ Conan O'Brien "If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten." ~ George Carlin "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her my house." ~ Lewis Grizzard Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney. There are two kinds of pedestrians - the quick and the dead. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through. It was all so different before everything changed. All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair. That's funny... I don't remember being absent minded. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong? Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no. A day without sunshine is like, night. On the other hand, you have different fingers. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains? The truth is out there. The problem is, however, that I'm trapped in here. He's the kind of guy - that - well - if you were ever in a jam he'd be there... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter. One day I shall burst my buds of calm and blossom into hysteria. Don't hate yourself in the morning - sleep until noon. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good. Anything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate. Reality is an obstacle to hallucination. The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets. I have not yet begun to procrastinate. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it. I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas. Once I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came across a man who had no feet, so I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them. A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here." A man committed suicide by overdosing on decongestant tablets. All they found was a pile of dust. A metaphor is like a simile. A while ago, I went skiing in England. It was a rare package: two weeks in England, one night in Connecticut, two weeks in England. I said, "Yes, I'll take it." I got on this chairlift with this guy I didn't know. We went halfway up the mountain without saying a word. Then he turned to me and said, "You know, this is the first time I've gone skiing in ten years." I said, "Why did you take such a long time off?" He said, "I was in prison. Want to know why?" I said, "Not really. Well, you better tell me why." He said, "I pushed a total stranger off a Ferris wheel." I said, "I remember you." After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in? All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store. With a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store." All the plants in my house are dead -- I shot them last night. I was torturing them by watering them with ice cubes. Are there any questions? At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular dinner price if you eat less than you can. Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach. it irritates me! I'll go over to a little baby and say, "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!" Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, "I'll be the one driving the Mercedes and wearing a Rolex." Never found her, but when I got home my place was robbed. Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, "I'll be the one in the leather jacket." She said, "I'll be the one drinking sake." Turned out it was one of those biker-sushi places. We never met. Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it. It feels real." Even snakes are afraid of snakes. Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it. Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You may wonder how it weighs the food. It doesn't. It just eats another hummingbird. Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture. Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. Factorials were someone's attempt to make math look exciting. For a while I didn't have a car. I had a helicopter. no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running. slow glance upward For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. Then I filled my humidifier with wax, and now my room is all shiny. For my sister's 40th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram. Four years ago. no, it was yesterday. Today I. No, that wasn't me. Sometimes I. No, I don't. Friday, I was in a bookstore and I started talking to a French looking girl. She was a bilingual illiterate -- she couldn't read in two different languages. Get a bunch of those 3-D glasses and wear them at the same time. Use enough to get it up to a good, say, 10 or 12-D. He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now." Hermits have no peer pressure. He was a multi-millionaire. Wanna know how he made all of his money? He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in. Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts. How young can you die of old age? I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer. I bought a cheap piece of land. It was on someone else's property. I bought a dog the other day. I named him Stay. It's fun to call him. "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. He's an East German Shepherd. I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there. I bought a portable cable TV. I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish. I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping. I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in it. You know, you turn it upside down then you turn it back and it starts to snow. I bought one, except this has a snow plow that does it in rows. Later: I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in it. Just checking. I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it. I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds. I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. I can levitate birds. No one cares. I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep." I can't stop thinking like this. I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control. I decided to leave and go to California, so I packed up my Salvador Dali print of two blindfolded dental hygienists trying to make a circle on an Etch-a-Sketch, and I headed for the highway and began hitching. Within three minutes I got picked up by one of those huge trailer trucks carrying 20 brand new cars. I climbed up the side of the cab and opened the door. The guy said, "I don't have much room up here, why don't you get into one of the cars out back." So I did. And he was really into picking people up because he picked up 19 more. We all had our own cars. Then he went 90 miles per hour and we all got speeding tickets. I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by. I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this ((()))((()))(((. I go down to the pet store -- "Gimme another ten guppies, I got a lotta calls yesterday." I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor". What's my mother going to do? I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one. it wasn't doing what I was doing. I got an answering machine for my phone. Now when I'm not home and somebody calls me up, they hear a recording of a busy signal. I like to leave messages before the beep. I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it. I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me. I pushed "1" and he just stood there. I said, "Hi, where you going?" He said, "Phoenix." So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in. We were in downtown Phoenix. I looked at him and said, "You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around with." We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert. Then the phone rang. He said, "You get it." I picked it up and said, "Hello?". The other side said, "Is this Steven Wright?". I said, "Yes. " The guy said, "Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your bank. It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you. We would just like to know what happened to the money?" I said, "Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Slick, and with it he built a nuclear weapon. and I would appreciate it if you never called me again." I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly. and says, "Here, you can go." I got tired of calling the movies to listen to what is playing so I bought the album. I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were! I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back. boy, were they mad! I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car. I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology. the study of milkmen. I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. I had to stop driving my car for a while. the tires got dizzy. I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night. I have a friend named Dennis. Both of his parents were midgets, but he isn't a midget. He's a midget-dwarf. He's two inches tall. He's the one who poses for trophies. I have a map of the United States. Actual size. It says, "Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it. I also have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6". I have a microwave fireplace in my house. The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes. I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out." I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil. I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world. Perhaps you've seen it. I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child. I heard that in relativity theory space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings. I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious! I invented the cordless extension cord. I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room. I like this new idea of voodoo acupuncture. You don't have to go anywhere, you just walk down the street, and all of a sudden, "Ah!" I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit. I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings. Boy With Pail. Kitten On Fire. I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I like to say, "Sooo, how far did you THINK you were going anyway?", or "Put on your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once in a cartoon, but I think I can do it." I like to reminisce with people I don't know. I like to skate on the other side of the ice. I liked "Slaughterhouse 5", but I can't find the first four anywhere. I looked out my apartment window, and I saw a bird wearing sneakers and a button saying, "I ain't flying no where." I said, "What's your problem buddy?" He said, "I'm sick of this stuff -- winter here, summer there, winter here, summer there. I don't know who thought this stuff up, but it certainly wasn't a bird." I said, "Well, I was just making breakfast, come on in. Want some eggs? Sorry." I lost a button hole today. I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium." I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age. I'm a peripheral visionary. I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator. I'm taking Lamaze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing. I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building. I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turned to the other and said, "See, that's how it's done." Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants. I owed my friend George $25. For about three weeks I owed it to him. The whole time I had the money on me -- he didn't know it. Walking through New York City, 2:30 in the morning and got held up. He said, "Gimme all your money." I said, "Wait a minute." I said, "George, here's the 25 dollars I owe you." The the thief took a thousand dollars out of his own money and he gave it to George. At gunpoint made me borrow a thousand dollars from George. I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I've been arrested three times for practicing. I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh." I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing. I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles. I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet. I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused." It was supposed to be hot today." I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension. I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday". I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving. I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time. I saw a close friend of mine the other day. He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know. my calendar has no sevens on it." I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot. I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "Help Wanted." There was another sign below it that said "Self Service." So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit. I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired. A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government. There is nothing more frightful than ignorance in action. I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today. I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it. I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now. I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter. I took a baby shower. I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic. I used to be a narrator for bad mimes. I used to be a waiter, but I was fired for clearing tables. I was clearing them for take off. I had them all lined up outside. People thought it was an outdoor cafe. I said, "No, these are leaving at 3." They were going to fire me anyway, because I told them I thought they should put the wrapper on the inside of the straw since that's the part you don't want to get dirty. I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coathanger. I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it. I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only 2" taller. I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper. I was born by Cesarean section. But not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window. I was cleaning out my closet and I found a swim suit that I had made out of sponges. I remember one time when I wore it. When I got out of the swimming pool nobody could go swimming until I came back. I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long." I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have been serious because I brought a beach towel. I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank." I was hitchhiking the other day, and a hearse stopped. I said, "No thanks -- I'm not going that far." I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job." I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope." We're surrounded." I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars." I was once arrested for walking in someone else's sleep. I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me -- and I didn't hear it. I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything. I was skydiving horizontally. I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. I was walking down the street and saw a sign on a post. It said: "Lost -- $50. If found, just keep it." I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game he was watching was better. I washed mud, off of mud. I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast. I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake. I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row." I went into a clothes store the other day and a salesman walked up to me and said, "Can I help you?" And I said "Yeah, do you got anything I like?" He said, "What do you mean do we have anything you like?" I said, "You started this." I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness." I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four." I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically. I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. I went to court for a parking ticket. I pleaded insanity. I said, "Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?" I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar." I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, "Give me two boys and a girl." I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses. I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again. I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it. I worked as a lumberjack for a lumber company. All of the trees were just 10 feet high and 1/4 inch thick. We made paneling. I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?" I wrote a few children's books. Not on purpose. I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that." I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called, "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring." I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads. I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes. I'm so hyper. said with a very dull voice I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done, so now I just have to fill in the rest. I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography. I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it. I've never seen electricity, so I don't pay for it. I write right on the bill, "I'm sorry, I haven't seen it all month." If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go? If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I'll let you have the pen! (If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.) If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back? If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number. In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above. so I never have to go upstairs. In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out." Is it weird in here, or is it just me? It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature. It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design exactly. It's a fine night to have an evening. It's a good apartment because they allow pets. I have a Shetland pony named Nikkie. Last summer Nikkie was involved in a bizarre electrolysis accident. All her hair was removed except for her tail. Now I rent her out to Hare Krishna family picnics. It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused. It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. Last night, I walked up to this beautiful woman in a bar and asked her, "Do you live around here often?" She said, "You're wearing two different colored socks." I said, "Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness." Then she asked, "How do you feel?" and I said, "Well, you know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time." Last time I went skiing, I had to get up at 5:00 in the morning. I knew I couldn't do that, so I slept with my skis on. My ride came at 5:30 in the morning, couldn't wake me up so he carried me out of the house, put my skis on the roof rack of the car, and drove to the mountain. Seventeen miles later, I woke up out of this incredibly bizarre dream that I was skydiving horizontally. I'm sure this has happened to you. Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my own food. My argument was that the concession stand prices are outrageous. Besides, I haven't had a Bar-B-Que in a long time. Last week I bought a new phone. I took it out of the box, hooked it up to the wall. Pressed redial. The phone had a nervous breakdown. Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the driving. every half mile. We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip. I don't remember what it was. Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow. I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one. it wasn't doing what I was doing. My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, . "So, do you live around here often?" My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments. My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until he was eight years old. My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. My girlfriend and I went on a picnic. I don't know how she did it, but she got poison ivy on the brain. When it itched, the only way she could scratch it was to think about sandpaper. My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said, "the whole time." My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them. My girlfriend's so intense. She woke me up the other night and asked, "If you could tell exactly when and how you were going to die, would you want to know?" "Heck no," I said, "Why?" "Doesn't matter, just go back to sleep." My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me. My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912. Well, to make a long story short. My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them. My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH. My neighbor has a circular driveway. he can't get out. My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere. My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the band." My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York. Now I'm going to tell you about the girl I'm seeing now. I met her at a Macy's in New York. She was buying clothes, and I was putting slinkies on the escalators. The girl I'm seeing now, Rachel, is a very pretty girl. She has emerald eyes and long, flowing plaid hair. The last week in August, we went camping way up in Canada. We were laying around in the woods and stuff, and I don't know how she did it but she got poison ivy on her brain and the only way she can scratch it is if she thinks about sandpaper. She's a rich girl, she's from somewhere else. And her father is an incredible millionaire. He's the guy who designed the diagram to show you which way to put the batteries in something. On the other hand. You have different fingers. One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous blond Chinese girl. I sat beside her. I said, "Hi," and she said, "Hi," and then I said, "Nice day, isn't it?," And she said, "I saw my analyst today and he says I have a problem." So I asked, "What's the problem?" She replied, "I can't tell you. I don't even know you. " I said, "Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus." So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys. By the way, my name is Denise." I said, "Hello, Denise. My name is Bucky Goldstein." One night I came home very late. It was the next night. One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world. One night a jet flew a little bit too close to my house. I was walking from the living room to the kitchen, and the stewardess told me to sit down. One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me $95. One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had been done by children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators. One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read." One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house. Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. So I figured I'd leave the area, because I had no ties there anyway except for this girl I was seeing. We had conflicting attitudes: I really wasn't into meditating and she wasn't really into being alive. I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate has an expiration date. Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears. I think George is weird, because he has false teeth. with braces on them. George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge. you can't hear him talk. Sorry, my mind was wandering. One time my mind went all the way to Venus on mail order and I couldn't pay for it. Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen. The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney. The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work. The doctor says he has to amputate all of me. The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays "Helter Skelter." The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?" The only thing houseflies fear more than the Venus fly trap is the hanging plant. The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree. The other day, I was walking my dog around my building. on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!" The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows. Then she said, 'How do you feel?' And I said, 'Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time.' There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators. There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot. There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air. They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. picks up his glass of water from the stool. I like to live on the edge. This is my impression of a bowling ball. drags the mike along the floor, then lifts it. gutter. This isn't all true. Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors. Today I dialed a wrong number. The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?". They said, "Uh. I don't think so. he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait." Today I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli. I sold a #3 for 28 bucks. Trees that grow in smoggy cities are needed to make carbon paper. Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did you think?" Under my bed I have shoe box full of telephone rings. Whenever I get lonely I open it up just a bit and I get a call. One time I dropped the box all over the floor and the phone wouldn't stop ringing, so I had it disconnected. I bought a new phone though. I didn't have much money so I had to buy an irregular phone -- it had no number 5 on it. We were in Salino, Utah when we were arrested for not going through a green light. We pleaded "maybe". I asked the judge if he knew what time it is, he did, and I said, "No further questions." What do batteries run on? What's another word for Thesaurus? When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction. When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of three-by-fives. When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving. Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone. when I came back the entire area was missing. When I go, I'm flying Air Bizarre. It's a good airline. You buy a one way round trip ticket. You leave any Monday, and they bring you back the previous Friday. That way you still have the weekend. When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey. When I was a baby, I kept a diary. Recently, I was rereading it. It said, "Day 1 -- Still tired from the move. Day 2 -- Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot." I was upset because on my second birthday, I went from being one to being two, and my age doubled in a year. I figured at this rate, by the time I'm six, I'll be ninety. When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, "Do you have any toy train schedules?" When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child. eventually. When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?" When I was eight, I played Little League. I was on first; I stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest distance between two points was a direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge. When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse. When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!" When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice. When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes." While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?" Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie? Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts," but, "you have to put your two cents in?" Somebody's making a penny. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? The guy who wrote that song wrote everything. Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick. Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug. Women. can't live with 'em. can't shoot 'em. Wrote my own communications software in LISP. Got a phone bill for a thousand dollars. My computer keeps calling itself. Years ago, I worked in a natural, organic health food store in Seattle, Washington. One day a man walked in and asked, "If I can melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?" Two days later I was fired for eating cotton candy and drinking straight Bosco on the job. You can't have everything. Where would you put it? You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading. And all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time. You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time. Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail. I came, I saw, I ran away screaming